Friday, March 30, 2007

The Gas Chambers of a land far far away

When you join our team in a land far far away, there is a warning that needs to be given beforehand. In this team, you can be subject to the gas chambers without prior notice or prejudice. It is a sentence that is served on you simply because you made the mistake of talking. It is a very grievous sentence, and our hearts go out to all the people who have been it's victims.

The gas chambers of a land far far awayare one of the most dreaded reprimands that any land far far away employee or even visitor can be put through. So, you must be hoping that I will slip into the nice guy mode and tell you where these gas chambers are located, so that you might be able to save yourself from the torture. But alas, I only wish I could give you the location, because I cannot. You see the gas chambers of a land far far away are mobile. Yes, please do not shake your head in disbelief, the gas chambers can be brought to you, in fact, they have a mind of their own, they will come to you. The gas chambers have two feet to carry them around the workplace. They even have a car to get to work on a daily basis. Yes my friends, you have guessed it correctly, the gas chambers of a land far far away refer to a person. The person we know as Fag Man.

So please be warned, do not come within two feet of him. If you do, make sure he doesn't talk. If he does, then make sure you don't breathe in. If you do, well, I hope you have a will in which you have left everything you own to me.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Conversations with G

I think G Dude is a mobile RSS shakha. A few days ago he was adamant on making a Jain woman keep fasts and then yesterday, he asked me.

This is the scene as it happened.

I sat in the last seat of the Scorpio. He sat next to a lady on the middle row. He keeps looking forward and as I am about to put on the ipod he asks me...

G: Harry, you are not fasting?
Me: For what?
G: For Navaratras.
Me: Why would I?
G: Oh no specific reason.
Me: It is against my religion to fast.
G: oh....

I thought that would shut him up... but he asked the lady next to him.

G: Is that true it is against your religion to fast?
Lady: I am not a Sikh, I am a Punjabi.
G: So? You should know.
Lady: I am a Hindu and I do fast.
G: Then why doesn't he?

I had to interject. He was torturing the poor lady because of me.

Me: G, just to clarify, and Lady please excuse the stuff I am about to say (I so wished I could have abused him), but in our holy scriptures a woman who fasts has been compared to a prostitute. That's why I say it is against my religion. A lot of Sikhs do fast, but not for this occasion, but my family says it is against our religion.

G: Oh OK.

I thought this must have settled things, and he won't bother anyone else with this. I was right, but I think he always has this weird urge to talk to me. We dropped off the lady, and he moved to her side, and kept looking back at me. I tried ignoring, not wanting to talk. He just kept looking at me. Then he made a signal with his face and started speaking. He interrupted Jimmy Page as he was about to sing "...Our shadows taller than our souls...", I paused Jimmy said a silent prayer, 'Forgive me lord for I have sinned" and looked at him.

Me: You were saying...
G: Oh nothing, I just now remembered that part you had presented in the Italy presentation. The part about Balla Fagoora.
Me: you mean Bella Figura.
G: Yes, Balla Fagoora, you know that part about no matter how bad shape you are in, it shouldn't show. So for the last few days I haven't been feeling well because of all the fasting, so I thought of Balla Fagoora and toughened myself.
Me (Aside): (You are dressed like a beggar, today with torn denims and broken sandals and you want to talk about Bella Figura? You Nincompoop!!!)
Me: Well, that's not really what Bella Figura implies.
G: Then?
Me: Well, i9t means that you should always present yourself well. You have to look like a king even if you have nothing to eat at home. It is a very materialistic attitude. It's not about being tough.

G looked ahead and I quickly started the song again, and this time I closed my eyes. Yes, the cab guy took the longer way home, but at least I had rid myself of his stupid comments.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

There be perverts there

What follows are a series of incidents that prove that a land far far away is a land of perverts!!!

Incident 1:
A girl walks in wearing a well fitting suit, a female colleague turns around and compliments her, and then the boss turns around and says, "Haan yeh suit acha hai, woh jo tum dheele se pehenti ho na, unse."

Incident 2:
A girl wears a short skirt to an office party, and the whole male contingent of the office starts dancing around her.

Incident 3:
A guy comes down the stairs and he's wearing a fishnet t-shirt and you can see that his chest is shaved. (OK, that might not be perverted, but it is downright disgusting.)

Incident 4:
The organization organizes a picnic in a water park and then has the nerve of sending a mail that tells people to "(bring your own skin-tight nylon synthetic swimming costume only)"

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Intelligence is dead

Nietzsche once wrote that "God is dead"... I would have told him it's not god that died, for he may have never existed, but it is intelligence that is dead. By intelligence, I am referring to the ability of a person, to make an informed decision based on the facts presented, and to not be swayed by emotions and prejudices. I have seriously started believing that I am one of the "Ubermensch" (Super Humans or Homo Superior) described by Nietzsche in "Thus Spoke Zarasthura". I think I need to bide my time in some cryostasis chamber till the world evolves to my level. That's I am going to the Himalayas to become a Sanyasi.

Monday, March 12, 2007

The Aftermath of Women's Day

The day I had been dreading for so long was finally upon us. The build up to it had been scary, and I had a very weird feeling that it was going to be worse than the preceding days. So, I entered office hoping that nothing untoward was going to happen. So i settled down in my seat and looked warily across at G Dude's empty seat and thought to myself, "So far so good." But we all know when something seems to be too good to be true, those things usually are too good to be true because the G Dude walked in with a swagger and he was beaming. Rupi was unfortunate... he was just stepping out of his workstation as the G Dude was walking in.

Rupi: Hi
G: Happy women's day Saaar
R: Ummm, same to you.... by the way, I do not have any misconceptions about my sexuality.
I corrected him, "you mean your gender"
R: Yeah, and that too...
G Dude just kept beaming, so Rupi had to ask him, "why are you so happy? And, what is that tree jutting out of your back for?" referring to the bouquet that he was carrying in his backpack.

I was mortified, he wasn't actually going to give that bouquet to a woman today, I was literally hoping that he would say it was his girlfriend's (read to be fiance's) birthday. But then he said something that made me wish that the ground would open up and swallow him, or the roof would cave in on him, or Zeus would smite him with lightning!!!

G: These are meant for our anndaata! (Smite him!)
R: Who?
G: Sorry, our anndaatri!! (Smite him now! Vaporise him!!)
R: and who is that?
G: [Name withheld] The president of our company!!!

I think god has a vendetta against me!!!

Thursday, March 8, 2007

Happy Women's Day at a land far far away

So this is the chain of mails that started it all...

Ms. (Name withheld),

Good Afternoon!

G Dude here. I have recently joined a land far far away in the XYZ team. I have a suggestion that needs your immediate attention. Here it is...

Sometimes God sets a perfect stage for certain things. A land far far away is one such stage set by God to celebrate the Women's Day because it has a great strength of female employees. Above all, it's spearheaded by you--a female.

So, to salute the enduring feminine spirit, this Women's Day, i.e. March 8, 2007, why don't we reward these 21st century "Women of Substance."

In this regard, we can organize a ceremony to felicitate the female employees of our organization with flowers. So, kindly have a look into the matter so that the "Token of Respect" among the feminine-force of our organization can be disseminated.

With hopes abound...

Thanks & Regards,

G Dude


The Ms. Name Withheld asks HR what is being done about it... and HR asks the InfoWhat Pride Committee to organize it... and they actually do organize it....

In case you don't think that this is weird... picture this... G Dude asks Anjali:

G Dude: Are you married?
A: Yes...
G Dude: How would you feel if someone did something out of box for you...
A is speechless... so he hands her a pamphlet that contains a lot of Gyan about Women's Day... So Anjali goes over it and hands it back.... "you know what?" G Dude continues "Last year I sent my To-Be-Fiance flowers in her organization on Women's Day... She got really embarrassed... so this year I am doing something out of box for her... I am sending flowers to all the women in her organization... " and he was beaming!!! "I'll tell her later at night!!!"

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Welcome to a nondescript place

Well here is to one of the most nondescript places ever work with. I shall give you a simple test. Try taking a call from a telecaller selling you credit cards from our side. Tell them you want the card and then answer the first Question... Sir what is the name of your company?

you say, "InfoPro".
They say, "Info????" and really elongate the "o"
You say, INFOPRO
They'll again say... INFO???
You say PRO
they say InfoGrow?
you say NO... EYE ENN EFF OWE PEE ARE OWE... InfoPro
then you hear them talking to someone in the background (pata nahi kaunsi company hai... kuch Info Info karke hai... ) and then you hear muffled voices and they say
Sir??? InfoSYS???

You think to yourself... "I wish" and then say "no it's InfoPro" this time they'll take a pen and paper and let you dictate the spelling...

So that's how nondescript this place is...