Chennai...

I have been in Chennai for more than a week now. One of the first things that struck me is that the weather over here is so pleasant. I am told tat this year the weather gods have been kind. The temperature never seems to go beyond 35 degrees. It is really amazing for a Delhiite who is used the temperature never being below 35 degrees at this time of the year.

Another thing that I have noticed, people in Chennai specialize in looking... how should I put it??? For they have been nice to me... Let's just say they specialize in looking untidy. I am sorry, I couldn't be nicer. Trust me, it is not that they are ugly, but that they are unfashionable. You'll be looking at a woman, and thinking, if only she got her hair straightened, if only she weren't wearing those obnoxious spectacles, if only... oh forget it... I don't think you could teach them fashion if they were born and brought up in Milan and Paris. It is almost like the mirror is meant to look at ways to make yourself look more dorky. You can't even blame them, I mean, have you seen their fashion idols??? Rajanikanth, Mamooty!!! Back home in Delhi, I know people who would murder you if you said they looked like them. They will still kill you if you try and say that their father looks like either of the two. These guys strive to be like them.

But one thing I liked about Chennai, unlike Bangalore, if a place is a mere 12 kilometers away, you do not hear them saying that it's very far off. Just like back home in Delhi, every place is just 45 minutes away at max. :D


Signing off now...

Intelligence is dead

Nietzsche once wrote that "God is dead"... I would have told him it's not god that died, for he may have never existed, but it is intelligence that is dead. By intelligence, I am referring to the ability of a person, to make an informed decision based on the facts presented, and to not be swayed by emotions and prejudices. I have seriously started believing that I am one of the "Ubermensch" (Super Humans or Homo Superior) described by Nietzsche in "Thus Spoke Zarasthura". I think I need to bide my time in some cryostasis chamber till the world evolves to my level. That's I am going to the Himalayas to become a Sanyasi.

Start --> Shut Down

I stared blankly at the email, having worked for almost eight years, I had never seen anything like it. At least not as an official mail.

Hi Everyone,

We have observed that users are not switching off their UPS while leaving for the day. In night when there is no power and also no generator backup is available the UPS goes to battery backup which exhausts the UPS and in morning creates problems for users. In the past we have given several reminders about the use of UPS and also explained the same in every Induction but nobody is in the habit of switching off the UPS.

Same is the case with Computers and Lab Machines as many users leave them ON while leaving for the day as well as for the weekend.

From Tuesday i.e. 3rd Oct. 2006 onwards those users who are not switching off there UPS and Machines/Lab Machines there complaints will be attended at least priority.

Kindly cooperate with us in keeping the UPS and other hardware in proper working condition. Do Switch Off your Respective Machines and UPS while leaving for the day.

Thanks & Regards,

IT Support

In the eight years that I have been working I have never come across a situation as sad as this. Actually, I have never had a machine as sad this one, and that is precisely what is so sad about this mail. It requires me to shut down and start the machine everyday. I repeat, EVERYDAY.


What could be so bad about it? You had to ask. Let's see. I shall take you through the entire procedure of switching on the machine at my workstation.

1. Come to work, and gaze at this obscure piece of equipment that takes out a "dharna" every second day to demand equal opportunities at par with the Pentium 4s of the world. They have ample political backing as well, because people from the IT support department come to meet them every day, sometimes twice a day, and believe it or not they sometimes spend the entire day with these machines.
2. So once you are done gazing at the CPU, you turn your gaze to the monitor. At 14 inches diagonally across, it behaves like a supermodel with a flat chest. It makes you think about the LCD, you had in the job some time before.
   
3. Then you push the chair away, because the UPS is kept under the table and right next to the wall. You get down on your knees to beg the UPS to not to give you a shock as you reach to switch it on.
   
4. You switch on the UPS and and it blows a loud ear shattering whistle telling you it doesn't have sufficient battery. So you let it scream and writhe in pain. No I'm not sadistic, but given what these machines put me through, it no big deal.
   
5. After screaming for 30-45 seconds, it settles down. It realizes that I am too heartless to hear it's screams. and then it decides to pass the baton to the CPU and the Monitor. I'm sure if the UPS had a face, it would give me the same smirk that Gollum gives to Sam at the end of The Two Towers.
6. Now the CPU and the monitor take over. It feels like a handicap match. They are a Tag Team while I have to go Solo. The CPU starts sputtering, thinks about all the things I did to the UPS, and then stops making any sound whatsoever. I await with a baited breath for the monitor to turn on and show me what the fish is wrong? Windows did not start correctly the last time: would you like to start it in the safe mode?
   
7. That is a warning shot. But I try and ignore it. I select boot normally and hit Enter.
8. I think I hit the key too hard. Because suddenly the monitor changed its colour to a dirty purple hue. I try adjusting the wire, slapping the monitor, and then finally as I am about to call IT Support, it turns normal.
9. I sigh and the long agonizing wait for the machine to start up begins. It sputters and coughs and then goes into whirring sound. The CD drive makes a sound, the Floppy drive makes a sound. What does it think it is doing? Launching a space shuttle?
10. Finally the login screen appears, you give the three finger salute. Only to realize that the System Administrator had logged in during the night. That is usually never good news.
11. So you key in the User ID and Password and wait, then you realize the speakers didn't make any noise about starting up.
    
12. You decide to let the machine go through it's startup regimen while you grab yourself a cup of coffee. So you step out to the coffee machine and make some small talk with someone you meet there. 10 minutes later when you return to your seat you realize you're again facing the Login screen.
13. You scroll back up in your mind thinking did you just login or not? You remember you did, so what gives? A small bubble pops up and says "Windows Update recently restarted your machine". Hello, shouldn't you ask me before you restart the machine? Apparently, Billu thinks otherwise.
14. It Logs you in, you keep eleven bucks aside in your wallet to donate in the temple. Just as your wallet gets into that snug position behind your butt. The whole screen turns blue. Now you can spend those eleven bucks on an Ice Cream instead.

Shutting down this machine is another post altogether.

Delhi... The city I live in

Sometimes I feel like I don't have a partner,
Sometimes I feel like my only friend,
Is the city I live in, the city of angels,
Lonely as I am, together we cry,

From the song "Under the Bridge" by Red Hot Chili Peppers

I simply love this song, because of the way it personifies a city. Whenever I hear this song it gives me a strange sense of belonging to New Delhi. A few months ago... my hard disk crashed :( and along with other things all my music was lost. I really miss this song.

One of my favorite pastimes is to drive around the city late at night with RHCP playing at high volume. It is such a pleasure to drive the wide open roads uninterrupted over the flyovers through the underpasses, grabbing a quick bite at the Nizamuddin or the Old Delhi Railway station. Sometimes I drive on the road to the airport... an airplane on descent just makes me slow down the car to a crawl and watch it fly across the road... barely a hundred feet above the ground. Sometimes, if I have company... we'll pick up a beer or wine from the border thekas... and let the city sink in. The roads in Delhi are amazing... you really have to visit Mumbai or Bangalore to realize how better off Delhiites really are... You need to check out the flyovers along the ring road, the Greater NOIDA expressway... these things really take your breath away...

Also, I am quite a foodie... and the food in Delhi is amazing... be it fine dining at Azurro, or the Dhaba food at FORE ... or Kareem's in Old Delhi... the choices are immense... and man the nightlife is also truly amazing... one could head out to Capitol, Elevate, Ministry of Sound, Nasha.. the choices are endless...

I love this city... and yet I want to leave it... maybe it's because I want to tell people in other cities how cool my home town is...

Maybe someday I'll miss this city... :)

Smart People come and go, Morons Accumulate

Okay, what do you do when you come across a person so dumb that he is pressing the down arrow key with his arm and at the same time is trying to use the mouse to scroll up on a web page... And then turns around to you and says... "I think someone else has taken over my machine... See... I'm trying to scroll up but the page automatically keeps on scrolling down!!! This so spooky!!! Maybe this is a virus"

Now for the icing on the sake... Replace the man in question above with a woman... And the arm with her breast... And the best part is ... This is happening with her for the second time!!!
GAWD!!! How irritatingly dumb can anyone get...???

You know there are two kinds of dumb people... The first kind is like this...

The Boss: Can you tell me how many units did we sell last month...???

The Employee: No, but I can tell you how many times did Michael Jordan
score off a fade away in each of the NBA Finals he's ever played in...

Now such people will obviously be considered to be dumb... But... If you look closely he is not dumb, he just has command over thoroughly useless information. (Hey, at least he told him that he doesn't have the answer)

Such people I can live with... If nothing else they make great partners in a sozzled conversation.

Then there are the other types of dumb people... Here is what they are like...

They'll wear extremely tight clothes to remind themselves that they need to slim down... Or mark stuff on papers with a highlighter, which according to them is not worth reading... Or ask, "then what happened?" long after the joke ends... Ok so you know the kind I'm talking about... These are the ones who I can't live with...

So I have started documenting ways to pick out such people from a crowd...

• They are the only ones laughing at their own jokes in a group… While everyone else is forcing a smile on their faces

• They are the most conscious of themselves when they are all alone

• They fall for the easiest tricks in the book... (i.e. they have never heard of - "Fool me once shame on you, Fool me twice shame on me"

• They'll laugh at your most pathetic jokes

• They are usually not very bright about computers and would never accept this fact

• They are very territorial

• Their proximics are totally screwed up

There are so many ways to pick them out... but these are the ones which generally some to mind... if you know more, then your additions are welcome.

A cold coffee and a rooster

Last night, I had stepped out with some friends to watch a movie. Well, the movie was good but what was really amusing were the events that happened before, during, and after it. First things first... If you had Five Hundred Million rupees to invest, what would you do? Remember it's supposed to be an investment.

My answer: buy a vacant plot on the Gurgaon mall road and build a multilevel air-conditioned parking with a food court. Basically, parking in Gurgaon, from Thursday to Sunday every week is a bitch. You don't want even your worst enemy to get stuck in there. So now you know where did i spend an hour on Sunday; looking for a parking spot... well that is actually another story altogether... so let's get back to the cold coffee and the rooster.

Well, so we saw the movie, contemplated having dinner afterwards, and then went looking for coffee around midnight. We found one in Vasant Vihar. So at five minutes to midnight, we order ourselves some drinks and then sat down to enjoy our drinks.

This is when this dude entered. He enters and looks at me, and then looks at the pretty lady with us, and suddenly he took a deep breath and puffed up his chest. Looked back at me as if he was trying to say that i don't deserve to be around her because I was a fat lowly mortal. Then he went to the counter and ordered something for himself, and turned around and started staring at us. I was getting amused and a little irritated. So as I slurped my coffee, I started staring back.

He looked back across the counter and said, "How long is it going to take?", and then started eying the lady with us. She didn't notice as she was engrossed in a conversation with my friend, but I was so amused that I was about to burst into splits. When I couldn't control it anymore, I finally interrupted the conversation and said, "Do you know that during the mating season, a rooster walks around with a puffed chest to attract the hen?" I made sure he heard me.

All the eyes just turned towards him, and everyone was trying hard to hold back the splits. He suddenly realized that he was the joke, the puffed chest deflated, and he just scampered to the door without collecting his order.

My Favourite Cartoon Character in the world

Mondegreens

I bought this album by RHCP yesterday. It's called "By the way". There's a song in it which is called "The Zephyr Song". A nice song,

Fly away on my zephyr
I feel it more then ever
And in this perfect weather
We'll find a place together

It had me thinking that Zephyr was some kind of a mythological bird which Greek or Roman gods used to ride. Then the "perfect weather" bit started bugging me... so I decided to look it up on the net... well, Zephyr is not the name of a bird. A westerly wind is called a Zephyr, named after the Greek god of the west winds. Well that is a piece information which is very useless but interesting.

Sometimes you just hear something in a song and don't even bother to check what it meant, or if you even heard it correctly, and would you believe it, it actually has a word. Misheard lyrics are called Mondegreens. If you search on the web you'll find many examples of Mondegreens. Some of the most popular ones are...

<>"There's a bathroom on the right."
Actual lyric: "There's a bad moon on the rise."
Bad Moon Rising, Credence Clearwater

<>"Excuse me while I kiss this guy."
Actual lyric: "Excuse me while I kiss the sky."
Purple Haze, Jimi Hendrix

<>"Dead ants are my friends; they're blowin' in the wind."
Actual lyric: "The answer my friend is blowin' in the wind."
Blowin' In The Wind, Bob Dylan

<>"What a nice surprise when you're out of ice."
Actual lyric: "What a nice surprise bring your alibis."
Hotel California, Eagles

<>I shot the Sheriff, but I didn't shoot him dead you see.
Actual lyric: I shot the Sheriff, but I didn't shoot the deputy.
I shot the sheriff, Eric Clapton

<>I wanna know, Have you ever seen Loraine?
Actual lyric: I wanna know, Have you ever seen the rain?
Have you ever seen the rain, Credence Clearwater Revival

Yeah, I know exactly what you are thinking, "who could be so dumb to actually end up singing these songs like this...?" Just search on the net and you'll find even funnier ones. Happy Hunting!!!

Lord of the Singhs

Random thought

Everyone has opinions
I'm sure you also have some
But beware this is not your dominion
And that my best is yet to come

Indentifying Morons 101

Chanakya was asked to make a stick smaller without breaking it. The smart Alec that he was, he brought a bigger stick and placed it next to the original stick.

Trust me it works... not the stick... the concept... basically if you are feeling irritated, make people around you even more irritated... and your irritation will recede. But it all lies in how you translate the stick anecdote. I mean sometimes people really take it a bit too far... confused... fear not, I shall explain. Supposing you are a group of people who are pretty normal... by normal I mean you can get my jokes... and then this new person is implanted into the group. Yes, you guessed it, he doesn't get my jokes. So let's call this person something, and no, I will not refer to this person by the name he has been given. Hmmmm, I think I shall call him... the target. Okay so the target eventually realises that he is being picked on by all and sundry. So the target decides that something needs to be done regarding this.

The first attempt:
The target ignores you.
He behaves as if he is impervious to your taunts / teases / insults. But he seems to be forgetting that this only makes him a sitting duck. You see, no matter how hard he tries, he doesn't realise that he is the target. People are there to hunt him. By ignoring he is only making everyone else laugh at him more freely.

The second attempt:
The target retaliates.
He musters up whatever little imagination he has tries to come back at you with a smart retort. Needless to say he alone thinks it's a smart one. So, he retorts, and then laughs, alone. Then he retorts again, laughs, alone, and the normal people start with their lunch. He retorts yet again, laughs again, still alone, and the normal people finish their lunch. As he is about to retort once more, the normal people burp, and then retort back to make him shut up. And then the target slips back into the "I am ignoring you" mode. Although this is usually preceded by a few sharp intakes of breathe, as if they had something to say. But, it is all in vain, 'cause eagle 20 has been shot down.

The third attempt:
The new target (at least he thought so).
It never fails to amaze me. But believe it or not, birds of a flock do fly together. Even amongst humans. The target realises that he can't beat the normal people. So he introduces a new target to the group. He believes the new target to be actually more moronic than himself, and that the normal people will start teasing the new target and forget him. He forgets, the normal people are a fun loving bunch. For them, the more the merrier; be it targets or fellow normal people. But the upside for the target, is that now he no longer laughs alone. He has a companion.

And that's strike three... and they are out.

Hell Within

Confucious say: confused couples no good

They were sitting on the next table in the cafetaria. He was the third most shabbbiest person in his batch (if things continued the way they were ... he would be at the top on the next week's chart). She on the other hand was not shabby, just had the looks which said, Stay Away from me ( I was just too happy to oblige).

Yes, you might ask if these two are married? and the answer believe it or not will still be in the affirmative. They hardly looked like the made for each other types, and i guess that they were'nt either. That, I think was the reason why these two had earlier planned a trip to splitsville.

Now this is the most interesting part about them. They were working together in a call center. It was probably good sex, and they decided to marry. they got married and then decided on divorce. I think the reason as that the call center they were working for closed down, or asked them to leave. Whichever way, they decided to go their separate ways. I assume, they did some maths. But, then maths is a topic which is not very easily comprehensible to every Mr. John and Mrs. Jane Doe, and certainly not to these two. So, I think someone else did the maths for them, and helped them figure out that if they were living with their respective parents, the financial strain on them would be lesser. So, I think, this along with their boring libido as the reason they separated.

And then, they started looking for a new job. As fate would have it, they both got through to the place I work. They didn't tell each other that they had got the job here. They were both in different induction batches. True to the psychological profile of such people, these two were sympathy mongers. The moment the trainer asked them to tell something about him/herself, they regaled their sad life stories, of how they got married, then seperated and all the usual booo hooo hooos. And at lunch, they saw each other.

He: You b!tc#, what are you doin here?
She: You Mother F@&^%r, I am working here, what are you doin here?
He: Me too.

She was silent. They didn't tell anyone that they were married. They had just vented their spleen on each other a couple of hours ago, and right now love was in the air.

So now these two have lunch together. Go out on breaks together. He fights with the people who decide to say somethingto his wife... and all in all they just don't sleep together a night. I think that should change after next month's salary is debited to their acoounts.

Okay, what do you do when you across a person so dumb that he is pressing the down arrow key with his arm and at the same time is trying to use the mouse to scroll up on a web page... And then turns around to you and says... "I think someone else has taken over my machine... See... I'm trying to scroll up but the page automatically keeps on scrolling down!!! This so spooky!!! Maybe this is a virus"

Now for the icing on the sake... Replace the man in question above with a woman... And the arm with her breast... And the best part is ... This is happening with her for the second time!!!
GAWD!!! How irritatingly dumb can anyone get...???

You know there are two kinds of dumb people... The first kind is like this...

The Boss: Can you tell me how many units did we sell last month...???

The Employee: No, but I can tell you how many times did Michael Jordan
score off a fade away in each of the NBA Finals he's ever played in...

Now such people will obviously be considered to be dumb... But... If
you look closely he is not dumb, he just has command over thoroughly
useless information. (Hey, at least he told him that he doesn't have
the answer)

Such people I can live with... If nothing else they make great
partners in a sozzled conversation.

Then there are the other types of dumb people... Here is what they are like...

They'll wear extremely tight clothes to remind themselves that they
need to slim down... Or mark stuff on papers with a highlighter, which
according to them is not worth reading... Or ask, "then what
happened?" long after the joke ends... Ok so you know the kind I'm
talking about... These are the ones who I can't live with...

So I have started documenting ways to pick out such people from a crowd...

• They are the only ones laughing at their own jokes in a group… While
everyone else is forcing a smile on their faces

• They are the most conscious of themselves when they are all alone

• They fall for the easiest tricks in the book... (IEEE they have
never heard of - "Fool me once shame on you, Fool me twice shame on
me"

• They'll laugh at your most pathetic jokes

• They are usually not very bright about computers and would never
accept this fact

• They are very territorial

• Their proximics are totally screwed up

There are so many ways to pick them out... but these are the ones
which generally some to mind... if you know more, then your additions
are welcome.

There is always one more story...

So... there we were... victorious... ecstatic... content... and broken. We looked up at the path leading us back to the place where our car was parked. It was quite a climb... and we had to carry our luggage as well. All of a sudden, two boxer shorts, three T-shirts and two shorts seemed to be quite a load.

Then we paused, and looked up, it was still quite a climb.

Then Shilpa shouted, "Hey, we have some chilled beer!!!” just what was needed. We stopped, went back into the shade. I brought the bottle along with me to the foot of the climb. After a few big gulps, I again looked up.

It was still quite a climb.

I looked at the bottle, and then I heard voices in the distance. Actually, they were only ten meters away. "Share the beer, you idiot." and I remembered there wasn't enough beer, and that once I got back to Delhi, I'll be meeting up with these people quite often. So the angel in me vanquished the devil, but not before I was able to take a few huge gulps and finish half the bottle. I gave it back to Viju, "It's half full!” trust me I had the straightest possible face at that time. I again walked back to the foot of the path going up. Looked up.

It will always be quite a climb

I turned around, walked back into the shade. If only one of them would say, "Harry, I'll take your bags, you take a rest." But, obviously, no one would and no one did. To add to my misery, we had just met the girls in the morning. Chivalry, it seems, is on life support. I just wish it would die, but it's a tough S.O.B. Then, everyone got up to leave, and one of the ladies was actually carrying two bags, for a two day trip. I shuddered, "What if she had to go somewhere for a fortnight?” That will surely pull the plug on Chivalry... Anyways, I picked up my bag and the spare bag of the lady and reached the foot of the climb once again. There was no looking back now.

I had no choice but to climb

"FORWARD!” I said to myself, and started making the climb.
This is torture, this is pain,
I think I’m gonna go insane...
I was singing to myself, and then I noticed Preeti climbing right behind me. She decided to strike a conversation at that time. If only she would realise how difficult a task I was handling. We started exchanging pleasantries.
"Doctor, the heart beat is picking up, I think Chivalry is finally gonna make it."
I just kept wondering how long am I gonna be able to talk and climb together? Stopping either one of the activities would send a very wrong signal. Then, I confirmed my worst fear. I am my own worst enemy. Because, now I had very conveniently added a third task for myself. I was cursing myself for not being in shape, although I am a firm believer that round is also a shape, but that wasn't the shape I wanted to be in.

“That was quite a climb!!!”

Then I realised that I had finally crossed over onto the side of the multi tasking people. I was beaming as I loaded the luggage into the boot. Then it happened, the longest shriek I ever heard, not the loudest, but the longest. Viju had closed the door, and Preeti’s finger was getting crushed in that door. Viju was probably telling the driver to switch on the air-con or the stereo, because she seemed to be least bothered about her roommate shrieking outside, then, she locked the door. Preeti was delivered from her pain after 30 – 40 seconds. That too, because Viju must’ve started wondering why everyone was gathered around her door and also why someone was banging on her window in sync with the beats of the song playing on her stereo.

“Ooh, that must have hurt.” Someone said.
“Let’s stop somewhere and buy a pack of smokes.” Someone else said.
“And buy her a bandage or something.” I said.
Collective nodding of 6 heads followed. Then the drive started. We were following the ladies’ cab.
“I think anyone can drive faster than 35 KPH.” Gaurav said, while staring at his dashboard, “Their driver is an idiot.” Thankfully, the smoke shop came in 10 -15 minutes. We all got down, and I suddenly realised no one was buying the bandages. I rushed into the chemist shop, and bought the bandages and gave them to Preeti.

“Doctor, the patient has come out of the coma”

Then, the agony began, very patiently Gaurav started following their driver. After about half an hour, he decided it was too much. First, he overtook him, and then he simply disappeared. Actually it wasn’t his fault, the traffic and GD’s natural driving style just kept on pushing him forward. Once, we were sure that we had left them far behind. We stopped by the road because Neenu decided to answer the whisper of nature. Then we waited, and then waited a bit more, and then a lot more. After a good 15-20 minutes, they finally turned up. We started our car and unanimously decided to follow them no matter how slow they were.

Gaurav really needs a few lessons in patience. He overtook him again… and sped away. We stopped after half an hour. Bought some cold drinks, and again waited, and then waited a bit more, and then a lot more. After a good 15-20 minutes, they finally turned up. This time we told them to keep on going. We spent another 10-15 minutes finishing our drinks and the smokes, and then we answered a few more whispers. Then we started the chase.

“We must’ve overtaken them and didn’t realise it.” Gaurav said.
“No, we didn’t.” said Vishal.
“Now that jerk decides to drive fast.” Gaurav was shaking his head in disbelief. It took us another half an hour before we finally caught up with them. He was actually driving at 60 KPH. His face was beaming. He looked like Juan Pablo Montoya after overtaking Michael Schumacher (that too in the pits!!!), and then Gaurav overtook him. He still looked like Juan Pablo Montoya; after being overtaken Michael Schumacher (on the race track). Then we messaged each other to stop for a cuppa. When we stopped, their driver had such a sad look on his face that he could have made angels cry. It seemed we had broken his concentration. I felt like telling him, “all good things must come to an end, and so did your spree.” Gaurav got out of the car, the look on his face said, “You were good kid, but as long as I am around you will always be second best.”

The dhaba we stopped at had a very funny way of spelling its menu, it was actually quite phonetic. Patty was spelt as paytee for example. Some words would have a letter, and the dhaba didn’t have milk for our tea. So we moved to the next dhaba. Here, the great mystery was solved by Vishal. He struck up a conversation with the driver. It turned out he hardly drives. He actually owns a fleet of cars, and that the original driver had to go to his hometown due to an emergency. So he was just filling up his place so that he wouldn’t lose the business to a rival. Hmmm… smart man!!!

Then… the night fell, and his driving style came into its own. It was amazing, it was astonishing, it was a spectacle, it was… oh well forget it… it was totally out of this world. I had never seen such a brilliant display of indicators, brake lights and overtake-me manoeuvres. He was driving us nuts, and since it had already turned dark, we decided not to overtake him, and leave the ladies far behind.

“You know, when anyone tries to overtake us, we should tell them, this is a sale; you get to overtake two cars for the thrill of one.” Vishal said.
“That is only possible if he drives on the left side of the road and not in the middle!!!” Gaurav replied, “Turn around and see the train of cars following us.” This was a long highway, but not lonesome, and definitely not east of Omaha, and it wasn’t the engines but horns of the 20-30 odd cars which were moaning out as one old song. Did you always wonder how jams happened?

“Let’s stop at Cheetal for dinner.” It wasn’t far off and would definitely get this guy off the road and give relief to the poor souls behind us. Once at Cheetal, we all got together again, looked at each other, everyone had the look which said, “Yes, I am thinking exactly what you are thinking.” Smiles, nods and we went in. When we came out, I decided to take the back seat and doze off.

“Get up” Neenu whispered to me. I realised we had reached Delhi and it was time to say goodbye to the fine ladies we had met. I was too groggy to pass any more comments. We discussed another vacation, some other time, and I quietly slid back into the car and went back to the never-never-land.

Well that was quite a lot of typing, I have a lot more to tell, but my fingers hurt. So I think I’ll save it for next time. Till then, go to a driving school and learn to drive properly.

Luv ya all,

Harry

You need bad days to appreciate good ones

"FORWARD!!!" shouted the instructor, and she turned around and snapped back, "we won't row any more, what are you doing just sitting there and whiling away, now you row!!!" and the entire raft was silent, even the water seemed to have stopped splashing against the raft. Then a giggle started from the front of the raft... and percolated right down till the instructor. Then another one said, "We want a smoke... we can't row anymore... we need a smoke to recharge ourselves!!!”

A PAT ON THE BACK IS JUST A FEW INCHES AWAY FROM A KICK IN THE BUTT

"No smoking till we catch up with the other rafts"... once again there was silence all around... we looked ahead... the other three rafts from our camp were almost a 100 meters away from us... then we turned around to look at our instructor (by the way his name was Drona - named after the Guru of the Pandavas and Kauravas in the Mahabharata). He was looking like a rooster in heat... i thought his life jacket would burst open if he tried to broaden his chest a bit more. "You also have a smoke.” I said, even though I don't smoke, I just needed the break. I had been rowing for four hours the day before... I certainly needed all the rest I could get and I was sure the same was the case with the remaining seven souls on the raft.

WHERE YOU STAND ON AN ISSUE DEPENDS ON WHERE YOU SIT

There were initially just four of us. Me (Harry), GD, Vishal and Neenu. The previous day had been quite a sad day... we were teamed up with a bunch of horny morons... whose idea of white water rafting was watching blondes in bikinis and not the adventure of taking on a rapid. As you would expect from such higher mortals... they refused to row for the better part of the run... and when they would actually get down to rowing... they'd stop within a few seconds to look at another bikini. I was amazed; these guys would keep staring without even blinking for seven minutes. And, then came the icing..."look, look... tits!!!", the most irritating one said whilst being bang in the middle of 40 odd people.

THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL IS THE HEADLAMP OF AN ONCOMING TRAIN

Embarrassed, disgusted and definitely not looking like fresh daisies we made our way back to the camp. We took the manager aside and told him we won't do the run next day if we were again teamed up with those guys. I think it worked... 'cause he immediately suggested that we team up with another group of four girls, who'd just come in after we had left for our run. Then we thought... "What the heck? How bad could it be?? Couldn’t be worse than these guys."

A BIRD IN HAND IS SAFER THAN THE ONE OVERHEAD

So, the next morning the morons had a sulking face. They wanted to go with the girls... I think one of them was actually heart broken and was trying hard to hold back his tears. I felt sorry for this deprived soul... I wanted to tell him that it's OK, Life's like that ... you are a pathetic excuse for a man!!!

NEVER PLAY LEAPFROG WITH A UNICORN

But then, I kept these thoughts to myself... I am an evil man... but true evil hurts though inaction. Well, the morons were soon forgotten, and the introductions started... their names were Shilpa, Vijeya, Neetan and Priti. Nice peeps, and guess they had a similar story to tell about their run on the previous day.

SMART PEOPLE, COME AND GO. BUT, MORONS ACCUMULATE.

Well, coming back to the smoke break on the raft. Drona said, "okay, those who are not smoking will row the rest can take a break.” Me, Neetan and Preeti protested... you idiot... what do you think we are??? Then the rest of the smokers joined in...

A FRIEND WILL WARN YOU BEFORE YOU GET SLAPPED, A TRUE FRIEND WILL SLAP SOMEONE ALONG WITH YOU

I was so proud of my friends; I almost had a lump in my throat. And then he realised that actually no one was rowing anymore, so, to save his face, he said, "all of you take a break, but after that we have to catch up with the other rafts". That sounded like a fair deal. So, while they smoked, I rested. "One more smoke, said Neenu" and the anger in Drona's eyes could have turned into supahman's heat vision and probably toasted Neenu alive.

IF YOU FOOL AROUND WITH SOMETHING FOR TOO LONG YOU WILL SCREW IT UP

So we immediately got back to rowing and man what an effect did the nicotine have on these guys brains... they were rowing like mad. Only to realise that, the other three rafts had stopped at the next beach and were patiently waiting for us for the last 15 minutes. Obviously, we wanted our pound of flesh as well, actually an ounce!! Because we got to rest on the beach only for five minutes... and during that time we basically overturned the raft to throw out all the water. So no rest as such. The other rafts now seemed to be ready to move...

THE OTHER LINE ALWAYS SEEMS TO MOVE FASTER

After a few more episodes, most of which involved all of us jumping into the water and then me drifting away from everyone else and many exciting rapids, we got back to our camp... exchanged no.s and headed back to Delhi. The drive back to Delhi is another story... which I’ll tell you some other time.

THERE IS ALWAYS ONE MORE STORY